I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
