Soap is not a condiment
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
