when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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