i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
