There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
