the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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