If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
