She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
