I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize