I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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