I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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