You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We had sex on a dog bed..
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
