he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize