I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
