Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
