yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
