You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
