wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
