it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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