he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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