I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he laminated a picture of his dick.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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