Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
