he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
