her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
