Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
