I accidentally burped into my bong.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
