Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
There's always time for handjobs
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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