OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize