the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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