life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
