I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
