Its about making memories worth repressing
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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