ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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