i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize