fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
