YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
