If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
