Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
