if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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