I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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