My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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