When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
In America we eat man semen.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize