if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just googled if crying burns calories
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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