If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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