dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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