Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
