I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
