I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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