they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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