I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
