I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
