If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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