the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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