I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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