when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
