I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
