Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
