Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
