I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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